Fiance Finds Himself Flat-Footed

Perhaps, in a slightly less confusing moment, thought would have been given to the recent information from the Census Bureau that more and more couples are living together, and that for the first time in the history of the United States, the percentage of households headed by married couples has dipped below 50 percent.

Perhaps some time would have been spent considering the recent report from financial advisory firm The Mercanti Group. It informed that the average cost of a wedding in this country has doubled since 1990 --to $27,000. And maybe that would have been weighed against the Census Bureau's numbers for average household median income for 2004-05: $46,071.

However, standing barefoot and clueless on the good side of security at Portland International Airport, having just endured a hand check, and with a crush of hurried business travelers, harried parents and screaming kids streaming past, I have but one question: Where is my fiancee?

Because if I find my fiancee, I'll find my flip-flops.

I call her cell phone. No answer. OK. There's no way she took off to the gate without me. At least not without me and with my flip-flops. She wouldn't, would she?

I proposed in August. In one ninja-like move she accepted and had the ring on her finger with such lightning-fast speed I think there was a sonic boom. We went back to her place, invited friends over, grilled food, celebrated. So far, so good.

But at some point you have to actually start planning the wedding.

Over my 32 years I've given serious thought to "The Simpsons"; where Guns N' Roses' "Appetite for Destruction" ranks on the list of all-time great debut records; and the entirety of Las Vegas. Occasionally, I try to remember how it is I came to own my DVD of "Jackass: The Movie." I own a country record by Rick Moranis.

I have never given thought to my own wedding. Just assumed there'd be one, and isn't that enough?

No.

Suddenly, my mother was asking me about dress lengths and colors for her. If that's English, it's no English I've ever heard. My fiancee asked me what kind of band I thought I wanted. I love music, but the best answer I could come up with was, "A good one."

Our home has gone from having no wedding magazines to having three wedding magazines, and I don't know where they came from.

Inside said magazines is page after page of advertisements featuring women in wedding dresses. These women wear one of four facial expressions: bored, angry, suspicious or sizing up the best man for one last romp.

I don't believe for a second that LeAnn Rimes was really registered at J.C. Penney. She's a big country star. Had to be Wal-Mart.

I've seen a photo of Regis Philbin's daughter Jennifer dancing at her own wedding. I'm now saddled with the knowledge that Regis Philbin has a daughter --and I know about her wedding.

There's a book in our living room that claims to be a comprehensive guide to getting married in Oregon and Southwest Washington. We're getting married in Ohio.

I've learned that if you tell the people at a museum you're thinking of getting married there, they'll let you in for free. I can also tell you the Columbus Museum of Art has in its possession a watercolor of a little girl who looks exactly like Jon Bon Jovi.

So far, still so good, but there's a lot to learn --even if I'm not sure I'm supposed to learn it. "What kind of bride is best suited to plan a destination wedding?" So asked some issue of InStyle Weddings that's on a shelf in my house. Note the word "bride." Not couple. Bride.

Apparently we grooms are to do what's asked of us. Be seen, not too heard and definitely not too drunk. Can do!

Anyway, back to the airport. On the fourth try, my fiancee, April, finally answers her phone.

"I'm at the gate," she says.

"Do you have my shoes?"

"Do you need them?"

The flight is leaving in 20 minutes out of C19. We're heading to Ohio to see her parents. I jog barefoot the length of the concourse, arriving to see a very sheepish look on her face.

"Are you sure you want to marry me?" she says.

"Yes."

I'm beginning to wonder about this wedding planning, though.